We are glad to announce that CDCC stalwart James Taylor is stable, and on course for a full recovery after the almost tragic events of last weekend.

Taylor was found unconscious in in the swimming pool at the Berkshire mansion of Sky Sports institution Jeff Stelling in the early hours of Sunday 15 November.  Having been resucitated at the scene, he was rushed to Stoke Mandeville Hospital by paramedics where he was treated for "massive rectal trauma caused by acts of an aggressively sexual nature".  Jeff "Bloody Cock" Stelling was definitely not at the party, and definitely did not ply Taylor with Cocaine before "putting it in the back of the net".  Party guest Andy Grey denied any part in the activities claiming "I definitely dinnae geet me hool wit that wee Sassanach prick... Ocht!!!".  After 10 hours in surgery and multiple blood transfusions, Taylor was transferred to Wrexham Park Hospital's Intensive Therapy Unit.

Witnesses claimed that Taylor had been seen in Baroosh, Marlow on Saturday night, where having consumed vodka & alcopops, he proceeded to bore every slightly ropey looking woman over the age of 40 with tales of derring do from his "magnificent" 2015 cricket season.  Nothing unusual here, but the night took a dark turn, when after consuming the legal high Popinjay, Taylor asked a Polish barmaid if he could "wear her like a nosebag", and sprinted off in the direction of Pound Lane, where he allegedly inserted his penis through the letter boxes 14 family homes, according to traumatized residents.  Having made good his escape, Taylor then took to Twitter to justify his actions, claiming "John Moncur made me do it", before turning his attention to Hammers Chief Executive Kren Brady, whom he chillingly threatened to "paint green and spank like a disobedient avocado".  How Taylor ended up at the residence of Jeff Stelling remains unclear, but with that cocktail of drugs & alcohol in his system he would undoubtedly have been vulnerable.

Ladies of Marlow & ageing football presenters alike will be relieved to hear that Taylor is likely to be "back in the game" in time for the next weekend.  Meanwhile local DIY business owner Tony Cairns has reported a 1400 percent increase in lockable post boxes.