I find myself in a subterranean dungeon in Liberal Democrat Headquarters, Slough.  Opposite me is Lib Dem grandee & CDCC 3rd XI Captain, Jonathan Gay; but we're not here to talk politics, we're here to talk all things CDCC and specifically CDCC 3rd XI.

After successive promotions many predict that the 3's will struggle with what is likely to be a greatly improved standard of cricket in TVL 7B, and Jonny is realistic.  "Its been a great two years, and to think of where we're at now compared to just a few seasons ago is great - I'll certainly be hibernating at 1st slip with a smug grin on my face this year!  However, there's no getting away from the fact that we need to raise our standards to remain competitive".  When I ask him how this will be achieved he seems optimistic. "I'm hoping for more game time from Dave Brooks this year.  He'll strengthen the top order and score quickly as well as providing us with a good wicket keeper for this level.  The irritating verbiage from behind the stumps and unnecessary acrimony with opposition teams are a small price to pay.  It's also important that Rob Applegarth plays regularly and I expect a lot from him with the bat this year.  My view is that he's used the winter to successfully spawn & marry, and now needs to get back to what matters in life - cricket".

So what about his current squad; can the batsmen raise their game to perform at this level? "Well I can't see why not." he says almost defensively. "Most of my team have played at a higher level and I feel that many of us individually under-achieved last year.  Take that Porsche-driving Tory pillock, Simon D'Ardenne; I know he won the batting prize last year but personally I thought he was complete tosh.  I'd also like to highlight that I'm in no way bitter about him stealing.. erm, I mean fairly winning my dirty annual batting prize!  You've also got Mike Cutting who has added great flexibility to his game and is effective in the middle order, where he can either score freely or knuckle down depending on whether the top order has had one of its standard catastrophic collapses.  Obviously I'll be opening the batting shit bust!".  So any good young players coming through? "Well there are but we have to send them straight to the 2nd XI." he explains "you see, it's pretty difficult to get most of my team through their CRB check and I can't keep an eye on all of them concurrently.."

Your bowling was your strength last year.  Are you confident that it'll bear up at a higher level?  "I'm happy that my seam attack is strong enough for the job in hand.  Mark Jones is our attack leader and sets a great tone up front; attacking yet not bowling many bad balls and often bowling long spells.  In addition you've got the likes of Issac Richardson, John Smith, James Taylor and Mike Cutting's little medium pacers.  James Taylor spent most of his energy last season groping for excuses to justify his abject performances, but I'm confident that if he puts the same effort into his cricket this season then he will come good - we really need him to.  So what about your younger bowlers? "Well we had the like of Adam Barrett, Carl Slater and Dan Matthews in and out of the side last year and this season will be a big one for these three.  Of course I don't mind developing young bowlers because they're less likely to threaten my opening batting spot in the future".  And spin options?  "Well we've got D'Ardenne if you insist on calling that dross spin.  Personally I just wish he'd shut up and focus on his batting, because he bloody well needs to.  Ideally I'd like to be able to see more of one of the youngsters De Silva or Sunkara this season, but they could literally be caught double teaming the 2nd XI Captain's missus in a Conservative election broadcast and he wouldn't axe them!"

So what are your predictions for the season?  "Well I'd be happy with a mid-table finish but we need to be mentally prepared for a relegation scrap".  Okay, so what do you think that you can do to avoid relegation?  "Well I'd like to start by stating that in cricket tactics are an illusion - they don't exist.  You just set your ring field, rotate through your medium pacers & hibernate at 1st slip!"  I look at Jonny sceptically, but remembering that this is coming from a double-promotion winning captain decide to hold my tongue.  And your personal objectives?  Well.. reclaim my.. err the dirty 3rd XI batting prize, cling on to my opening spot & persuade James Taylor to take on the 4th XI captains role so that I'm not forced into it in the future".

So the interview concludes and I thank Jonny as I depart.  As an outsider I feel a deep sense of foreboding for the CDCC 3rd XI's prospects, but then again no outsider has never understood how this team keeps winning, let alone functions in anything approaching a human capacity.  As is walk out of the dungeon I trip on a manacle and what appears to be a miniture love bat, almost falling to the ground amongst a shrine to shamed Lib Dem & debauched sexual buccaneer Cyril Smith, but I smile regardless; I know that the CDCC 3rd XI will be alright.
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